Light is the new black

January 17th, 2017

For the past couple of months, I have been in a bit of a lull. I put it down to a busy year coming to a close and the mad Christmas rush taking over. I assumed that once the silly season was done and dusted, I’d feel a lift, but it’s still there.
That little niggling feeling. Something has me unsettled.

After our Thailand trip in October, I was looking forward to coming home and finishing up some big work projects, winding down with Andrew and the kids, and reining in the new year.
However, upon our return, I felt a huge shift. I don’t know what or why, but it was there.

I bought this book about a year ago. I didn’t even open it for 3 months. It sat on my bedside and each night I would be too weary to open it and begin.
We went away in May and I packed it with me. I began reading it on the plane and couldn’t put it down.
Today,  I picked it up again. We were heading to the local pool and I grabbed it last minute to take with me. Whilst the kids frolicked in the water and rode the water slide over and over, I started to read it again. Reading over all of the notes that I had scribbled in the spine the first time around and checking the pages I had dog-eared.
This book gets me. It speaks to my heart. It kind of rattles me, but in a good way.
It makes me think, like – really, really think.
I am one of those people who always wants more. I’m such a dreamer and I am forever thinking about what is next. It’s not that I am not content with the here and now, more that I am just so aware of this huge, beautiful, wild world and I want it all. Every. Single. Bit.
This feeling I have at the moment, maybe it’s just a bad case of anxiety.
The best way for me to describe it is as if I am in a constant panic that time is running out. The kids are growing up before my eyes, I’ve just turned 34 and I still don’t truly know what I want to do with the rest of my life.
This book talks about finding your calling. Answering the ache inside you.
Some of my nearest and dearest would say that I have found my calling, that I am doing it weekly (my day job)…but what the book also mentions is that your career doesn’t have to be your calling and vice versa. That one can have, discover and do both.

Am I the only one who feels this way? (Please tell me I am not going mad)

I had a great chat with my best friend on Sunday. We spent the day together at So Frenchy, So Chic. A couple of bottles of French champagne later and the tears started to flow. She listened, and then it was my turn to listen to her. We talked some more and then hit the stage and danced our worries away.
It’s amazing what a good cry can do sometimes. That, and a day with my bestie. Best medicine.

I am really enjoying the holidays with the kids, but I am also looking forward to school starting back and establishing a routine again.
Cooking proper meals, eating better and getting some more sleep. Surely that has to help my funk!

Tell me something, are you searching for your calling?
Are you letting your light shine bright?

I’ll quit my waffle now and leave you with one of my favourite quotes from the book:

“There is no greater gift you can receive than to honour your calling. It’s why you were born. And how you become most truly alive.”  –
Oprah Winfrey (She’s just so darn wise!!)

Big love,
-C x


22 thoughts on “Light is the new black

  1. Alycia Baines

    Geez this speaks to me at the moment Clare. Been really having trouble recently with over thinking everything and being impatient for where I want to be. Will definitely have a read.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Emma

    Have felt much the same way lately. Thought getting back to work would help with feeling organised and in routine but life still feels kind of out of control. Hoping school going back will help and it’s time to to declutter my life a little.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Kat Gray

    Love you. Love YOU. LOVE you.

    It was the best medicine for both of us that day. Maybe our calling is to go to French festivals every weekend? X

    Ps. You need a tan…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Maria

    Clare, you put into words what I’ve been feeling but unable to explain (for a while now). I also thought that after the Christmas break I will be ‘back’, but 3 weeks into my routine again now, somehow it feels like there’s a shift in my point of view of life. It’s a bit unsettling, but also exciting!! looking forward to discover what’s next. Thanks for sharing and hope to read more of your story 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Michelle

    I suffered from crippling anxiety and mild depression last year. Honestly the worst year in my 39 years and 10 months to date I can ever remember. Life simply caught up with me, plus I was dealing with a chronic pain condition. My inner voice was cruel, it was if it didn’t want me to recover. The easiest path was downwards, but I clawed upwards and onwards! People always say to me, you are always smiling, you must be a happy person. I smile when I’m happy; however I smile when I’m sad, because it’s just easier. The short of it, I’m feeling so much better! I turn 40 in a few months and I still don’t know what I want to be when I ‘grow up’ and instead I find joy in the little things. Sunshine on my face, that first mouthful of my tea in the morning, seeing my husband when he walks in the door after work and waking up to find my dog on my pillow. Life hasn’t quite taken the course I had hoped. I would have been a mother of 3; however those 3 little angels never quite made it. I’m still on the quest of motherhood. It’s ok to feel a little lost in life. It’s ok to shed tears because tears are so cleansing. I’ve often felt that I should be grateful for all I have as there are others in worse situations. However I’ve come to learn these feelings are mine and I have the right to these emotions, but most importantly not to let them run my life. I’ve leant that self compassion will take you onwards and upwards! And a bit of meditation thrown in for good measure! Do what makes you happy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. herlifeandloves

      Oh Michelle, I want to give you a huge hug! Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time out of your day to comment. You sound like my soul sister. You’ve brightened my day. Sending you a big cyber hug xx


  6. darriwillhighton

    Clare… you are sooo not alone! I’m feeling this too and not just my calling but general anxiety ALL THE DAMN TIME! Overthinking is a b@&$ and can do damage to the state of mind. Glad you had a great day, love the photo. Def need that coffee SOON! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Michelle Redfern

    Beautiful article Clare, I love that you’re embracing your vulnerability & questioning your why. The most important day in your life is not when you’re born, it’s the day you figure out why you were born. I reckon the next book you need to read is Playing Big by Tara Mohr. You’ll love it. X

    Liked by 1 person

  8. ebevan

    I’m still in said “funk”
    I can’t shift it, it’s driving me insane!
    You however I feel like your my soul sister. Just reading your words make me feel better and every damn time have me saying “damn it how did you know?” You are the bomb lady… xx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Tiss

    2017 is already making me feel itchy and ready for change! I hear ya girlie! Like you, I love what I do (teaching) but feel like things can get stale if we stand in one place for too long. There’s so much more to learn when you venture out of a comfort zone or routine. Even though things around you change constantly, I figure there’s nothing wrong with seeking out more to life/your calling/careers and awakening the ‘buzz’ again!! Whatever and wherever that may be! You always amaze me and I love that you’re not afraid to take life by the balls and give whatever you do, your best shot. Good luck babe, I can’t wait to see how this year pans out for you Barnseys! No doubt it will be another great one 🙂
    And we still gotta fit in that coffee before school goes back!?!?!?!?!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: Change – her life and loves

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